Most bloggers will understand that statement. The few friends who read my blog and know me in real life may not understand.
There are a few of you out there I’ve made connections with that make me feel as if we know each other personally, despite the fact we’ve never met in person. I know if we lived nearby, we’d regularly get together and share a couple of drinks, some good food and good times. A couple of you make me feel as if we indeed did hang out together in the 70s or 80s.
Three years ago this month I entered the world of blogging. I don’t know what I expected from the experience…never really had a clear direction (and still don’t), and as I’ve collected readers – and yes, friends – along the way, I’ve struggled to fit in.
Struggling to fit in.
That’s the story of my life. As a child, I was perpetually awkward. In high school, I was never one of the popular kids, but always wished I could fit in. Out of control in my 20s, finding more comfort in my 30s, finally feeling like an adult in my 40s, and now entering my early 50s realizing that, to a certain extent, I need to live for myself and not worry about what other people think.
I’ve said before, I feel like a fraud playing in the blog pool with such talented writers. I often feel as if I’m back in high school. I worry about what to write and what other people will think. I’m not a good writer – rarely grammatically correct. When I read blog posts that criticize bloggers who write about personal matters, I take it personally. When I try to write cleverly humorous posts, I feel like Andrew Dice Clay competing in a stand-up comedy venue with Jerry Seinfeld.
Because I’m a socially awkward person, I guess I use this forum to ponder and say things that I really don’t have anyone to discuss with in my day-to-day life. You all know me for what I have to say and won’t judge me by what I look like or wear or am not able to cleverly verbalize at the spur of the moment. I can write and rewrite to fine-tune the delivery before you read it.
Last month I celebrated my 51stbirthday. And one of my friends I’ve never met sent me a birthday gift I never thought I needed, but now find I can’t live without – a journal.
My therapist. And yes, that’s the wiener dog in the background wishing that I’d toss that stuffed toy around instead of write.
Coincidentally, on the day my package arrived, although I’m not a regular horoscope reader, I cruised by a horoscope website that said the following for my sign:
“When was the last time you used a pen and paper, Leo? The keyboard has all but replaced these wonderful tools. In the same way that walking provides more than fresh air, the kinesthetic value of writing’s rhythmic motion is far more soothing and healing than people realize. Moving your hand across the page can feel good. It unlocks places within that typing can’t access. Try it.”
If that wasn’t cosmic direction, I don’t know what is.
I’ve been using the journal as a kind of therapy. For the last 20 months, I’ve been in a somewhat unconventional relationship with a wonderful man, but it’s been a secret to most who know us mutually (for a variety of reasons.) This means I can’t talk things out with those closest to me. So I tell my journal and it is truly therapeutic. For the last 12 of the 20 months we’ve been involved, on a weekly basis I’ve conducted internal arguments with myself that it’s not a healthy relationship and I should end it. The other side of myself says, what’s the harm?
Before I began journaling, the voices inside my head would prevent me from getting a good night’s sleep. Now, at least a few times each week, I’ve been writing my thoughts in the journal and I find that it does, indeed, facilitate release. Not completely….I do have the occasional sleepless night….but there is truly something to the theory of writing things down to get them off your mind. Oddly, I don’t look back at what I’ve written – I simply let it go.
Thank you, dear friend I’ve never met, for giving me a gift that none of my friends who know me in real life would have thought to give.
Journaling is telling all to a non judgmental friend. A college prof shared the secret of journaling to my class years ago. What a wonderful gift your friend gave you, perfect for capturing your heart’s secrets on paper.
Well said, Lucky Mom. Before now, i don’t think I’d ever thought beyond the tween-aged “dear diary” type thing.
Have I mentioned that I write a horoscope website on the side?
Loving the new look of the Bubble!
Thank you for your kind words. It was time to update the look.
So, mystical Hipster, what does the rest of my week have in store?
Well, I didn’t want to spoil it, but since you’ve asked: You will be shopping for one or both of the following –
(1) a journal for your man
(2) a dictionary
I trust your judgment that he is wonderful and therefore he needs a place to do his own emotional acrobatics vis a vis 20 months of under-the-radar and if he is not engaged in said emotional acrobatics, you might want to revisit the definition of ‘wonderful.’
Oh, and a mani/pedi and some chocolate ice cream, ‘natch.
Ouch. Except for the mani/pedi/ice cream.
Yeah, that was about the bad day I’m having. So sorry!
I feel the same way about blogger friends. I get to know them a lot better through reading their blogs than I do some of my friends in the real world.
Odd, isn’t it? I think we believe that face-to-face relationships offer more interaction, but that’s not necessarily the case.
Wait, you aren’t a good writer? Damn.
My post-high school education was somewhat lacking. Early 80s, no sense of direction and the selection of a two year junior college. But as my cousin always said, a junior college is still college. So I got that going for me.
That came from The Hipster didn’t it? She’s super nice and thoughtful like that.
I like the new theme!
Thank you, Thoughtsy! We are so lucky to have The Hipster in our world.
Thanks for sharing again. I started journaling when I was 9 and reading The Diary of Anne Frank and I’ve never stopped. Something about thick creamy paper and beautiful pens, the way the ink glides on the page. I think better that way. I’m 52 now and I have many different types of journals, dream journal (right next to my pillow), thought journal, a kind of “off the top” thinking, creative journal for projects I think of to make and includes graphic ideas too..doodles and lettering. I have a gardening journal with lots of stuff taped and stuck in there and a home dreaming journal. I have been trying to make the switch to keyboarding, its hard! I started with an online journal and began blogging about a year ago. I guess I would have to find a way to get my “multi” journaling into “multi” blogs:)
Thanks for coming by the Bubble. I’ve always been an obsessive list maker and am very particular about my pens – the color ink, the feel,etc. I find enjoyment in using them now too with this beautiful journal and not simply on a post-it or project management notebook.
I found you because of your guest post over at Hippie’s place. Love your style. Love it. However, it was the wiener dog in the background of the photo in this post that won my heart. You see, I have a wiener dog too. He always waits for me to throw him food. He doesn’t give a damn about toys. And,he has a grey face like your boy.
Great job over at Hippie’s place.
Thanks for visiting! My Doxie, Phoebe, is an important part of my life. She’s 10 years old now, but started sprouting gray about five years ago. She’s quite a chow hound too!
William Wallace (we didn’t name him) is about the same age. He LIVES for food. He can hear a food wrapper opened at 100 yards but plays deaf when I call his name. Damn dog.
Hahahahaha ! I always say she has selective hearing. Won’t look at me when 2 feet away but can hear a ziplock bag with cheese from 50 yards.
We must own the same dog.