I like to think of myself as easy going. I try to go with the flow and, for the most part, I do. Last year (summer 2011) I threw an unexpected and (I now acknowledge) unwarranted hissy fit on the man I’m involved with. He did not see it coming. It was a one-sided “fight” that escalated in my mind over the course of a couple of weeks.
He should have read my mind….or at least clued in to the subtle hints I’d been dropping.
When I finally launched the bomb on him, to say his confusion was extreme would be an understatement. Post-detonation, I vented at him for a few hours via telephone, text AND email. No method of communication went unused. I’m not a screamer, but I certainly beat the horse dead. In the end, I apologized but he told me not to worry. He was never engaged in the argument to begin with.
Although I’ve known this man for nearly 25 years, we’ve only been involved for the last two years. The relationship is a bit unconventional, but it works for both of us. I need space. Lots of it. I’m an only child and I’ve lived by myself for almost 30 years. The thought of being around another person full time makes my throat constrict. This matches perfectly with his needs. I know what you’re thinking, but I assure you he’s not married – remember, I’ve known him for decades.
I should also explain that I’m relationship impaired. I did my share of dating during my 20s, but the longest relationship I’d ever had during that time was only a year and a half. Then, when I turned 29, I met the man of my dreams. The only problem was, I wasn’t the woman of his dreams. He broke my heart and left me with an acute fear of commitment. All this means that I don’t know a whole lot about the male brain. I just don’t have a lot of experience with it.
While 2011 was pretty spectacular for me, 2012…not so much. You see, in addition to becoming involved with my long time friend in 2011, I also had a bit of a long distance involvement going on (don’t judge me, I was making up for a long time drought.) I wasn’t cheating on anyone though because my local guy knew about the long distance guy before we even got involved. But here’s where 2012 started to suck: in April, the long distance guy informed me that he was no longer interested in me. It wasn’t a shock. I’d seen the writing on the wall. And the year continued to go downhill after that.
I will be forever grateful to the long distance guy for finally bringing me out of my shell after so long. If it weren’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to begin this local relationship. I really liked having the local/long distance guy thing going. The balance it provided was incredible. It kept me from getting too emotionally invested in either of them. While getting dumped by long distance guy didn’t turn me into a cling-on with local guy, it did give me more time to fret about certain aspects of the local guy relationship. But I managed to stay balanced and appreciate the relationship at face value. Until December.
It’s not an annual event until it happens a second time.
I’ve been pretty impressed by the fact that we’ve had only one disagreement in nearly two years of involvement. So of course I had to go and ruin it. I lobbed my first shot about two weeks ago. It didn’t even register with him. Which started my stew. Between the holidays and other personal matters, we just haven’t seen each other in person, but we’ve traded texts on a semi-regular basis.
Then, something happened in his life that I felt he should have told me about. Instead, I heard it from someone else. He didn’t feel it was a big deal. My fuse was lit and continued to burn through last night. He had no idea about the one-sided war waging in my head. I held my iPhone for a half hour, finger poised over his number. But I didn’t call. I composed a text…rewriting it several times and staring at it for ten minutes. Finally, I hit send. It was not brief. And it wasn’t even relevant to the issue that set me off. Apparently, he was bewildered because this is the reply I received:
And I was off and running.
With just over 24 hours left in 2012, I’d turned the psycho female hissy fit into an annual event.
Confusion here?!?! Of course I didn’t let it go at that. I continued to vent text and his responses refused to engage my ire. An hour later he arrived at my place to pick me up for a party. During the hour between our last text and his arrival, I realized how unreasonable I’d been. When he came in, I immediately apologized for my snap-out. He waved it off because he still wasn’t aware we were having a disagreement. We drove to the party and separated the minute we walked in the door. Over the next two-plus hours, I don’t think we were ever in the same room. At the designated time we had agreed to depart, I sought him out and simply said, “okay, ready to go?”
This kind and patient man smiled and proceeded to drive me home. There was no anger from him. In fact, he went above and beyond the call of duty because while at the party, I allowed a few people to force tequila shots down my throat. He insisted on walking me inside and when he got home shortly after that, he sent me a funny text typical to the usual evening texts we often exchange.
All was forgotten. Based on the way I acted, I certainly don’t deserve to have this wonderful man in my life. He had a significant family matter going on over the last week and certainly did not deserve my bad attitude. I’m still having flashes of fury over his lack of perception and reluctance to communicate, but a friend assures me that it’s just how the male brain works.
I wish you a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2013. I plan on spending tomorrow on the sofa watching the Snapped marathon on television. I’m not very regular about posting but if I happen to drop out for an extended period of time, look for the next Snapped marathon. You just might see me there next year!
Wow. He may be a keeper. You know, some men don’t realize how big the issue is and it just flits right on by. I’d love to have that quality. Your first few paragraphs about your need for alone-ness – I could have written them. I swear, we are kindred souls. We seem to have a lot in common when it comes to relationships. Other than the fact that I don’t have a relationship. But past that, we sound a lot alike! I’m glad it all worked out for you.
It’s not often that I find people who understand my contentment with alone-ness! Thanks for sharing that you can relate. In conversations with certain friends, they speak as if I must have or want more from him. They just don’t get it. I tell them, and I’ve told the man himself, that I don’t have to have more from him, but I know for sure I don’t ever want less. I don’t kid myself though. Life is all about change. At some point in time, change is inevitable in either direction, whether more involvement or less. But I don’t see anything wrong with simply living in the moment and without the annoying “where is our relationship going” pressure that I see many others put on their relationships.
I hear you regarding the alone-ness thing. Although from time to time I think it would be nice to have someone to share things with, overall, I like doing things by myself. Your local man sounds like a good one to me. I hope it continues for as long as it’s meant to. Here’s to a better 2013!
The only thing that worries me about alone-ness is, who will be there to make the decision to put me in a home when I inevitably succumb to dementia?
Wow, this has taken a far more serious turn than I intended. I’d better start composing a happy post!
Sorry I missed when you posted.
I’d just point out that while you are very honest about yourself, there is something amazing that you missed. You are the first person to start the night angry, add tequila, and not make things worse. Unprecedented
Huh. I never looked at it that way. Could it be I’ve finally become a mature, responsible adult?