As I find myself approaching the big 40-10 (which sounds much more agreeable than 50), I’m filled with deeply conflicted feelings about certain things in my life, but I’ve also just enjoyed the best year of my entire life. Ever. Seriously.
I’ve always felt that the older I get, the more I enjoy life. Never has that been more true than the last year. At the over-the-hill age of 49, I finally started living for myself, not others’ expectations. And that’s the philosophy that’s made my life so wonderful in this last year: no expectations. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and I’ve developed relationships in my life that fulfill me beyond any expectations.
That’s why it’s so puzzling that the number 50 is freaking me out so badly. I’ve never hit a milestone birthday in my life that’s troubled me. Not 30, not 40, nothing. In fact, over the last several years if you asked me my age, I’d have to stop and think about it. Age was never something that impacted my life.
So why does the number 50 bother me?
Damned if I know. All I do know is that I don’t want to acknowledge this birthday in any way, shape or form. Therefore, I have decided to leave the country to decrease the instances of having to gracefully accept birthday wishes from well-intentioned friends. Grace is not one of my strongest suits and I don’t want to sound like a nasty bitch. While great, the last 12 months haven’t been completely annoyance-free. I’ve had some practice whipping out my nasty bitch self. And I often feel as if I’m 49-going-on-15 as I frequently spout the immature, “DUH” (mostly when interacting with certain men, but not to their faces.)
My destination of denial is an island in the Caribbean. Yeah, I know it’s not the ideal season for the destination (hurricanes) – but you wouldn’t believe the great prices!
I plan to enjoy a beautiful beach, ponder life, read several novels, listen to music, enjoy spa treatments and consume rum beverages (not necessarily in that order) over the span of several days on either side of the actual date of the dreaded milestone.
I hope to gain some clarity on certain aspects of my life and, most of all, to disconnect. I haven’t done something like this in…well…ever. But one philosophy I won’t rethink is “No Expectations.” I strongly encourage this for everyone. Live for yourself, make yourself happy, and I believe it helps everything else fall into place.